Merry Flippin Xmas

Dear Jonny,

What do you think your playing at mate?!

I’ve been faithfully carrying you around the Central Asian continent for 8 months now and how do you repay me? You get us stranded in Zahedan, Iran. The one country in the region where you can’t access any cash to buy your way out of trouble, and the one region in the country where security is so high you can’t move around to get me fixed. This is a fine pickle you’ve got us into now.

I’ve been trying to keep the gearbox running for over 30,000 kms but it’s finally had enough. You know that problem you failed to fix before we left? Yes, the torque converter issue. Well, it wasn’t just the torque converter, but the middle shaft in the transmission was damaged too!! You didn’t get around to checking that because you were in such a hurry to leave the UK, weren’t you. Perhaps a little more preparation time would be wise next time. Leaving it to the last-minute was always going to be a risky option. But then you knew that. You quite fancy a little bit of risk don’t you. Well it’s come back to bite you in the butt now hasn’t it!!

This guy looks like he knows what he is doing

I kindly carry you into Iran so you aren’t stuck in Pakistan without a visa, and what do you do. Give me to some amateurs at Toyota Zahedan while you piss off to Kerman to keep enjoying your little jolly. You leave them to prod and poke me like a new Xmas toy. They pull my gearbox apart and yet they find nothing. All the time I’m saying, check the bloody transmission shaft and torque converter you idiots. When you finally decide to grace us with your presence you fluff about letting them investigate me, when I could have told you that we needed to see some experts, and that Tehran was the best place to be.

I sat there patiently, watching you lose your cool as the days ticked by, wondering when you were going to arrange to take me to Tehran. I had to laugh when the police nearly arrested you. Thought for a moment we were finally shot of you.

The very least you could have done was organise a nice well equipped freight truck to transport me to Tehran in the comfort I deserve. But no, you turn up with the oldest and slowest truck that you could find. It didn’t even have a lift to get me onboard. It’s not like you couldn’t have tapped the enormous booze budget for a change. Cheap skate! You could have at least completed the re-install of my gearbox before we left. Leaving me to leak all my oil everywhere was rather embarrassing.

I don"t know what to do?

The 48 hour journey to Tehran was slow and painful. At least I didn’t have to carry your sorry arse all the way for a change. I hope you used the time to think about your performance on this journey. You’ll be getting marked down for this part of the trip. And as for vehicle preparation, well lets just not talk about that in the heat of the moment.

As for you efforts to organise my repairs in Tehran. Bloody comical if you ask me. Using a recovery truck to unload me, then storing me with more of those Toyota wally’s. Only to move me to a so-called gearbox expert a couple of days later. I bet you weren’t laughing when he gave you the quote for the work!! This strikes me as the work of someone to couldn’t organise himself out of a paper bag let alone Iran. And you call yourself a project manager. I hope you don’t charge your clients, because you’d get 2/5th of feck all from me based on this performance. No doubt you’re one of these overpriced consultants we see so much of these days. Yes, the ones that are no better than the corrupt, incompetent civil servants running these tin pot countries we are travelling through. Rubbish value for money all round from what I can see.

Just when I think I’m finally going to be fixed you then send me to yet another mechanic. I mean really, what game are you playing?! My gearbox and transmission are in a million pieces and you go shifting me all over town. Are you trying to lose all my parts? Haven’t you heard that Iran isn’t exactly blessed with 80 series Land Cruisers, let alone spare parts for them. It was hardly surprising when three days later all hell broke loose between the old and new mechanics, because of missing and incorrect parts. You flaming idiot!!

Where buggered aren't we?

To be honest I’ve quite enjoyed relaxing in Zahedan and Tehran for the past three and a half weeks. It’s made a pleasant change from your driving, that’s for sure. I’ve also enjoyed spending time with all the legions of Iranians that have taken pity on you and helped us out. We’d have been screwed without them. And the mechanics, well they have at least read a Toyota maintenance manual before. Perhaps you could try reading one for a change, instead of just looking at all the pretty pictures.

Now that I’m fixed do us a favour and take a little more care. Otherwise there is fat chance we’ll be making it home in time for you to bask in the glory of a nearly-failed, under-funded, poorly organised, amateur jolly around some of the most ridiculous countries in the world.

I mean seriously, Turkmenistan! What was the point of even going there?! Food poisoning was all that visit got you. And Azerbaijan? 48 hours was just enough time to get a speeding ticket let alone see anything. And all that rushing just so we could sit on a boat for three days doing sweet feck all. Kazakhstan and Nepal were the two places I wanted to go on the whole trip and you could even manage that. I’m glad we aren’t going to Iraq now either. I doubt we would have made it out of there.

Hooray!! We Are Saved

And finally, I suppose you now expect me to drive you 2500 kms across Iran and Turkey to Istanbul, in less than five days? And then by way of thanks, you are going to leave Kiwi Ted and I in some cold dark car park so you can spend a nice warm Xmas in Paris with family and friends. That’s gratitude for you. Thanks for nothing buddy. I hope the repair bill hurts you in the back pocket. Maybe you’ll have to go a few days without your precious caramel frappa cappuccino lattes. Tosser!

Yours faithfully and merry flippin Christmas.


p.s Kiwi Ted thinks you’re a bit of a muppet too.

p.p.s Just kidding. We love you lots. Yeah right!!

Why did we bring him

Note from editor: This is the sanitised version of the letter. Some of the language in the original was a bit tasty for young readers. 

23/12 Update

Unfortunately since I wrote this blog Boris has suffered further gearbox related woes. He failed 500kms after departing from Tehran. 100kms south of Tabriz in a snow storm. It wasn’t much fun. Sleeping in the truck outside the garage overnight wasn’t much better as it was -13c outside. My poor feet froze (even in a mountaineering sleeping bag) along with my water bottle!! So my profound apologies to the Simpson clan and my Mum as I won’t be joining them for Xmas in Paris. Sigh.

Related Post

Disaster Strikes in Iran, The Nightmare before Xmas (in Zahedan) & The 6 Disciples of Boris

7 Responses to “Merry Flippin Christmas – A Letter from Boris”

  1. Laura Banks says:

    Dearest Big O,
    You will be very much missed by the Simpson/Banks clans over Christmas. It sounds like a hell of a few weeks in Iran. We will see you on your return to London to celebrate your mammoth excursion!

  2. Many good wishes to your Christmas wherever you end up from Kath, Charlie and Evie!

  3. Biren Thapar says:

    This is what one could call really good friendly banter!!!! Whats a little subtle and not too subtle sarcasm between two bosom friends :-))

  4. Tough breaks, mate. Funny that Boris is a much better writer than you…who’d have thought? I do sincerely hope that you get a little slice of luck on the last stage of your epic journey mate, and you make it safe and sound to London.
    Good luck fella.

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